A year ago today, I left.
My little God-sister picked me and a couple of suitcases of clothes up from my apartment in Glover Park and I never looked back.
Grace Looks Good On You Tee||Colorful Beaded Hoop Earrings||Sunnies + necklace from Bijuju Market Commons||Purse c/o The Sis Kiss||Sidecar Denim Miniskirt||Cliff Sneaker
I am not here to talk about what happened or why I made that decision. Those close to me know. I am not here to encourage gossip or speculation, and I can assure you that the few people in my life who I found out turned my situation into conversation have been cut out of my life. I am here to say that a year out, I am at least trying to give myself grace for not hitting the milestones that I wish I had.
I know that I am incredibly blessed to have been able to move home with my parents. Especially during COVID lock down, it’s great to have that love and security, financially and otherwise. But they, and I, know that eventually I’ll be back on my own. In my head, July 17th 2020 would be my move-out date. I’d be back in DC, and for the first time ever, completely on my own. I’ve been coming up with design ideas, scouring Zillow, and dreaming of my perfect little place. But I have to be a resident of Maryland until everything is filed, and it’s been a lot harder than I thought to pay off debts acquired during my marriage, as well as expenses that popped up right when I moved out. I started therapy, had to buy a new car, and I’m paying for a storage unit.
Therapy has been absolutely invaluable. Luckily, my mom is helping me with this as well since the program I’m in it pretty intense and insurance doesn’t cover all of it. My boss has also been super supportive of my having to take time each week to have my visits (now calls) with my therapist. When I feel low about not being where I thought I’d be, and feeling like nothing has changed in the past year, I need to remember that have grown leaps and bounds with the help of my therapist and encouragement from those I love the most. It’s HARD WORK but I’m worth the hard work. I keep showing up, for me, even when I’m tired and would rather not.
I notice things about myself now. I can feel the moment that anxiety comes in to chase away real feelings. I can feel myself “leaving”. I pay more attention and use precise language. I’m not “upset” I’m ANGRY. And I’m allowed to be angry. While it’s good to have gratitude, it’s important that we acknowledge that not everything is sunshine and rainbows.
So while no, I have not hit where I arbitrarily decided I would be today, July 17th, 2020, I’m going to give myself grace, because I have come leaps and bounds from the sad, scared, girl I was a year ago.
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