Even before my life went totally upside down in 2019, I was completely and totally obsessed with “Me!” by Taylor Swift. Regarded by many Swifties as maybe the worst Taylor Swift song ever (too saccharine, etc.), I’ve come to think of it as kind of my theme song. I mean, since when have I cared about anything being too sweet or poppy?
Never. Never is this answer.
Ask anyone who has ever known me, I’d always wanted the fairytale. The husband, then the house, then the kids. I’d been planning my wedding since pre-k, with my parents inspiring me to believe that if you work hard enough, marriage could be a forever thing. I mean, they’d lost a child and worked through the insane circumstances surrounding that, coming out on the other side even stronger. Not that I was expecting to have to go through the same things, I just always believed that once I got married, had the wedding of my dreams (and I did), that no matter what, Kendall and I would survive, and one day, thrive.
This is so stupid, but I heard a quote on Bojack Horseman that kind of sums it up: When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.
First of all, a cartoon has no business being that profound.
Second of all, wow. That is exactly what happened. I was so used to being, “it’s fine I’m fine everything’s great”, that I had convinced myself that it was all sunshine and rainbows while I was really just sad all the time, especially towards the end.
When we finally agreed to separate, I felt like I could breathe. Really, I had made the decision before we made the decision, but I didn’t want to be the one to crack it open. I didn’t want to be the one who left. I am supposed to be the one to keep it together and make it work.
I look at pictures from my first summer home and it doesn’t even look like me to me. Separating myself from what was a toxic situation, compounded with therapy that addressed trauma from my childhood as well as the divorce – I feel more like me than I have in years.
I’m standing up for myself and other people much louder than I used to. While I still struggle with self-confidence, it’s a lot easier than it used to be. I feel like I have more direction than I’ve had since graduating from college.
I wanted to have a party to celebrate my divorce finally being final. But, obviously, Covid. I decided to do a photoshoot instead. I feel like this is a like a debut to welcome myself back. It’s not a sudden thing, it took a lot of hard work and will be ongoing work, but I’m getting there!
Something kind of funny happened the morning of my shoot. I NEVER take off the bracelet with my sister’s initials, but the rose quartz bracelet I got for myself the last time I went to NYC was looking a little ratty, so I wanted to take it off. It has been on my wrist since December 2019. It shattered and beads went everywhere. I immediately texted my Tiffany, who was with me when I got it. She asked me what intention I had when I bought it. I told her it was to attract love. We think it broke because I no longer needed it. I have all the love I could ever need – from my family, my friends, and, most importantly, myself.
One of my favorite words is awesome. And I feel awesome.
I promise that you’ll never find another like
Thank you Arielle for bringing my vision to life!
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