This past weekend, when Kendall was away, I went home to Laytonsville to go over some wedding stuff with my mom and pick up my dress, plus a baby shower for a family friend on Sunday.
It felt really nice to be home. My new job honestly has been a much harder transition than I anticipated and my anxiety has manifested itself in new and alarming physical ways. When I get keyed up, my heart pounds. This is not new. What is new is that my ears start ringing and my vision gets blurry. It’s kind of terrifying. I find that just about everything sets me off and it’s harder and harder to come back down. It took me two days to feel normal when I thought I may have messed up a copy job at work.
What made me feel the best this weekend, aside from spending some QT with my mama, was attending church on what happened to be Episcopal School Sunday. The turnout from St. John’s School was amazing and hearing the choir (and seeing them in their/ my old uniforms) brought me back home. The nursery was also closed, so there were all these sweet babies all over the place. Our assistant rector has three of her own and 2 fosters- all under five. In the pew behind her husband and all the little ones was my junior flower girl. I spent much more time giggling at the babies than I did actually paying attention in church, but God was there. God was watching those little ones, the older ones in their uniforms, and me.
Psalm 91:4 Digital Print
I had a long chat with my mom Sunday night about my anxiety and how I feel guilty that I’m anxious which makes me more anxious. In her infinite wisdom, she reminded me that while yes, I am very blessed- I’m barely two months into a new job that’s really very different than my last position and I’m planning a wedding. Those are two very big life changes and its OK to be overwhelmed and I should just let myself feel overwhelmed.
I’ve considered going to speak to someone about my physical symptoms because they are very real and very scary, but I’m so sensitive to… everything… and I don’t want to be put on medication because I’m afraid of how I’ll react to it. Those closest to me agree. But I need to do something because it hurts sometimes. Off the top off my head, I need to get my ass to yoga and church more to clear my head and focus on what is important. I always feel better after a visit to either the studio or church.
Those copies that I thought I might have messed up? In the long run they don’t really matter. What matters is my health and my faith and I think that if I work on those two things that the rest will fall into place.
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