This is a post I’ve been contemplating since I saw Hamilton this past summer. I’ve been putting it off because I feel like there’s so much to unpack here, but then two things happened this past weekend that gave me a bit of a kick in the pants to just WRITE.
I’m not going to lie, Hamilton hit me way harder than I thought it would. I was excited to see it due to all the hype around it, but I had no idea I’d leave feeling as emotional as I did the first time I saw Les Mis when I was 6 or when my mom magically got us front row tickets to see Rent on a whim.
That last song- my goodness. I’ve been listening to “Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story,” at least several times a day since July and I just don’t get sick of it. This happens with a lot of things but it tends to make my mind wander to my sister. If I’m feeling extra reflective, I start crying (usually just a couple tears) right before a key change with the line:
The Lord, in his kindness
He gives me what you always wanted
He gives me more time
When I think on my little sister, I often wonder what she could have accomplished if she’d had more time. In a perfect world, I imagine she’d be living in Ft. Lauderdale, married to a basketball player, and Chairwoman Of The Board of some anti-bullying organization she’d founded.
And when my time is up, have I done enough?
Will they tell your story?
I wonder if I’m doing a good job of carrying on her legacy. This includes not only telling her story so that other families can make educated decisions about mental health, but also to remind the world what a kind, thoughtful little soul she was. Because of social media, I’m starting to see her best friends get engaged and married and it’s always hard to see them hit milestones that she never will. It terrifies me that some day everyone will just forget because they’ve moved on. But it’s also ok to move on. Life goes on. It’s just my job as her big sister to keep her legacy living.
I said there were two things that got me to finally write this monster of a post. And maybe they wouldn’t have if they hadn’t happened on the same weekend.
The first happened on Black Friday. I was at the local frame shop with my mom and Auntie Steph, who had brought back art from India. The frame shop also sells art and it’s fun to look around. I picked up a small framed calligraphied quote and really liked what it said, “What We Are is God’s Gift To Us, What We Become is Our Gift To God.” I liked that. And then I noticed the signature on the bottom- Rosemary.
Rosemary McHugh, or Ms. Q, has been a part of my family since before I started going to St. John’s in second grade. She was our art camp director. When I was little older, she was my art teacher, math teacher, and advisor. Same for Candace. She was even interviewed for the documentary I narrated and helped write. I knew I had to have this little quote she’d done in her infamous calligraphy that already graced our walls at home in the form of our 8th grade diplomas.
The second thing that happened was the reading for church on Sunday night was John 18, and particularly we focused on 18:37:
Pilate therefore said to him, Are you a king then? Jesus answered, You say that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness to the truth. Every one that is of the truth hears my voice.
Father Henry asked us to think about how we would finish the statement To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world…
It all kind of came full circle for me and I really did think what is my purpose here? And what is the legacy I’ll leave behind? Sure, I’m Candace’s big sister, but I’m more than that. I’ve always been more than that.
If I think of how I want people to know me, and how I think they mostly do, Tigger pops into my mind. One of my teachers used to call me that when she wanted me to calm down, but I don’t think I ever grew out of the not-calming-down thing. I aim to be the funny friend, the bouncy friend, the friend spreading smiles and positivity.
Aside from that, I’m a storyteller. Really- I never shut up. I wanted to make documentaries to tell my stories, and even though I’m not a world-famous documentarian as I’d once hoped, I have my blog. If one day, people are telling my story, and they say “she made me smile,” or “she made me think,” that’s really the best I can hope for.
When your story is told, what will they say about you? What do you want them to say about you? And are you working to leave that legacy?
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